I have a small snippet to share from my new book 📖 It is unedited, but I hope it makes your heart race, just like mine did as I wrote it 💔
It seems like hours before I realise I’m in bed, naked.
Abbie is sitting beside me in her white cotton nightie.
My eyes are aching. ‘What time is it?’
‘Seven a.m. – It’s okay, I called your work and told them you have the flu. You won’t be in today or tomorrow.’ She reaches for my hand and looks deeply into my gaze. ‘We need to talk.’
‘I’m sorry.’ And I am. More than these two stupid words could ever explain.
‘I assume you are, but I want to know why.’
She doesn’t seem angry. She’s not even tense. Serenity radiates around her and I’m dumbstruck at her tenderness – as always.
‘I can’t do this,’ I say quietly. I don’t know what else to say. I’m such a dick. Why do I always stuff things up?
I try to sit up, but my head spins. I lay back and look up at the ceiling. I focus on the tiny cracks around the light and imagine joining them up with a pen. ‘It’s too much.’
She leans over and places her hand gently on my cheek.
‘What’s too much? Me? The baby?’
‘No, not us – just everything.’
‘Valentine you’re not making sense.’ She pulls my gaze to rest on her. ‘Tell me.’
‘Everything – death – and your bright sunshine – your happiness, it’s just too much.’
She frowns at me. ‘My happiness? – you don’t want me to be happy?’
I feel her move away, abruptly. My heart starts to race. ‘No! It’s not that – it’s just that you’re blinding me.’
‘Blinding you, or suffocating you?’ she stands up and wraps her arms around herself.
I sit up, forcing my eyes to focus – shit. ‘Please, Princess, you’re taking it wrong.’ I swallow and take a deep breath, trying to keep from throwing up. ‘I need you, but it hurts.’
I know I’m not making sense. I lay back into the pillow. Immediately I feel her beside me again, wiping my face.
‘Please tell me what’s happened.’
I can’t tell her. She’ll think I’m a real gutless wonder.
‘You take a breath, close your eyes and talk. I’ll be here, listening.’ She moves around the bed and climbs in next to me. Her perfume, her soft skin touching my face and warm breath on my neck helps me to relax.
‘He was in pieces,’ I say quietly. I haven’t said this out loud before and I feel my throat contort. I swallow the lump. ‘His left arm from his elbow was torn off and I couldn’t fix him.’
Abbie tightens her grip on my arm and buries her face into the nape of my neck. I know she’s crying. I’m crying too.
‘I know Mum didn’t blame me, but I did. And Dad always said he was glad I was there, so Dillan wasn’t alone. But, I couldn’t fix him. I should’ve been on that bus instead of trying to chat up Katie Fischer. I would’ve been with him.’
‘You couldn’t have known,’ Abbie says quietly.
‘I should’ve… I just should’ve been on there with him – protecting him – shielding him.’
‘You might’ve died too – then your parents would’ve buried two sons.’
‘I would have been his shield,’ I say, affirming my belief that it should’ve been me.
Abbie lifts her head and kisses my cheek gently. ‘I wish I could fix it.’
‘You can’t.’ I pull her closer. I’m so disappointed in myself it aches.
‘I want to.’
‘You can’t, so don’t worry about it.’ I’m so tired.
‘I wish I found you earlier.’ Her words linger, like a sweet fragrance; her fragrance, and my heart just sinks even more.
‘You would’ve been way too young for me,’ I try to lighten the mood a little.
‘Ha! I know, but it’s a nice thought.’ She moves closer so our faces are almost touching.
‘I didn’t know you existed.’ The mood takes a dive again.
After a moment of silence, Abbie asks, ‘Can I tell you something?’
Hoping she’s going to change the subject, I answer, ‘Of course.’
‘When we broke up, I could hardly be bothered to get out of bed.’
‘Me too,’ I say softly.
‘I mean I felt so crippled by grief that I really thought I wouldn’t recover. But, I had this little angel,’ she smiles and places my hand on her stomach. ‘I had someone relying on me to recover.’
‘I know the feeling. I’ve felt the same – most of the time – about Tyler.’
She squeezes my hand and continues, ‘I agreed to go back to church – a place I knew I’d find my strength, eventually – but more because my family wanted to see me heeling.’
‘Oh, no! I‘m not going down that track,’ I say firmly, pulling myself into a sitting position. ‘God has never been there for me!’ I grit my teeth and rub my hands through my hair, trying not to let anger erupt.
Abbie takes an audible breath and reaches out to touch my face. ‘I know how you’d feel like that. I honestly do – I felt like this for a long time. I promise I’m not preaching religion. I’m trying to tell you about meditation or seeing somebody who can help you on a professional level.’
I immediately regret getting irritated with her – she’s my only life line.
‘Okay, what do you suggest?’
‘I’m not sure, but I wanted to say that whilst I didn’t find a lot of help through Church – actually there was mostly judgement – I did find the sermons helpful, the meditation helpful and I definitely found solace in my psychiatrist. She’s the best.’
‘I’m not good with stiffs who sit in big chairs and poke around where they don’t belong.’
She lets out a laugh and sits up; her smile and sparkle in her eyes catch my breath. She’s so beautiful. ‘Oh my goodness! Valentine, my psychiatrist is anything but a stiff! And she doesn’t sit in a big chair.’
‘Really? Well, I’ve seen my fair share of psychiatrists and child psychologists and they’ve all sat in big chairs, worn stiff faces and poked around where I didn’t want them.’
‘Would you consider seeing Dr Lewis?’
Shit. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t like making promises like this.
I close my eyes. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Valentine, you frightened the life out of me last night.’
When I open my eyes she’s got tears streaming down her rosy cheeks. I place my hands on her face and wipe the tears away with my thumbs; pulling her lips to mine.
‘I’m sorry,’ I breathe. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Please try to do something?’ She pulls away and looks deep into my eyes. ‘Please?’
How can I say no? I stuffed up severely. Am I so afraid of losing Dillan – his memory – that I’ll risk losing this angel who loves me unconditionally?
‘Okay,’ I say. Her face brightens with a smile.
‘I love you,’ she whispers.
I pull her closer and lay my hand over her stomach. ‘I love you, infinity.’
Today we’ll just hold onto each other – the three of us.
Here’s the link to Infinite Completion:
Available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle